The past week has been total insanity. Four days ago I experienced the worst day I have ever had in recovery which completely flawed me. I did not see this coming, not even from a mile away!
I was broken, unable to breathe, my whole body ached and my heart felt like it had been stoned. I was having a total, uncontrollable breakdown. On all levels, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual – this was a “grief crisis”; triggered by the feeling that I had lost something so beautiful, dear and precious to me, and that I had totally “fucked up”! Again! I had fallen in love with a fantasy, that would never be. I did not understand any of the feelings coming up, I felt confused and betrayed by my own inner world, that I had no control over. How could my feelings betray me like this? How could I let this happen? What the fuck was I thinking!! You idiot!!!!! ….. And with this a cloud of total shame descended, of not being worthy, or good enough for having an unconditional love in my life.
Every moment of grief from the day I was born erupted in my soul. The pain was unbearable. I wanted to stuff it down, like I had always done before, but the universe and the God of my understanding clearly had other plans! I left work early to go home. I got 5 minutes into the drive, and had to pull over into a park. I sobbed uncontrollably for 3 hours.
I could not rationalise ANY of this because none of it made sense. All I new was that I felt like I had betrayed myself and my friendship. I only had myself to blame, and the berating I gave myself I would not have given to my worst enemy. This left me feeling alone and scared… Terrified to live in a world without love … Terrified to live. I did not feel safe.
Over the last few days I have kept myself safe and I have started to heal. I have taken the time to try and process what happened. Most importantly however, is the fact that even though I was on my knees – I DIDN’T pick up a drug or a drink. This was truly divine intervention!
I have always believed that when we hit a rock bottom of any kind, it is our greatest opportunity for growth and an awakening. I recognised the following day that I had been half-assing my recovery, that I did not have the emotional sobriety that I thought I had, that I was not focusing on “me” enough. I also realised through all of this, that this release had to happen sometime…. The release of unresolved grief …. the awakening and realisation that never in my life have I ever had an unconditional love…. And that my heart broke because I felt unworthy to ever receive it.
Today I am feeling somewhat better, albeit fragile and vulnerable. I am moving out of the grief gently, but with a forceful conviction to love myself fiercely.
Loving myself fiercely means stepping up my recovery plan, in spite of some backlash to this at home; I have found a beautiful Sponsor who loves me unconditionally; I am surrounding myself with a tribe of amazing loving friends in recovery who I adore; upping my meetings and re-engaging in some much needed step-work. I have also found a fabulous new therapist who I am going to start seeing next week to sort out some inner demons and what I need to do to reduce the current emotional chaos in my life.
The key to all of this is that for the first time I had the courage to reach out and ask for help. As Brene Brown puts it in her book Rising Strong, “I’m still in the rumble, still trying to figure out what is true and not true”, but to my deepest gratitude, this whole experience has highlighted what I need to awaken to and manifest in my life. To go out and GET IT…… Because I AM WORTHY of falling in love with “myself” again, and having unconditional love in my life.
Penni 💗
Recovery Buddha 